Our friends at Sky Sports News HQ have kindly sent us the following report which was broadcast at the prime time hour of 3am on Saturday 21st of March. The official viewing figures indicate that the audience of 9 pensioners, all with weak bladders, were captivated by the nail biting, edge-of-your-seat putt-off.
The ladies champion was struck down by a back injury just weeks before the 2014 tournament was to start. This means that for the first time there would be no ladies taking part. The Reader Cup committee grouped together and decided that the worst player from the mens tournament WOULD NOT automatically receive the womens trophy.
Before even finishing the first 9 holes. Dick, the oldest player, was also struck down by illness. The Reader Cup governing body has opened an investigation to see if there was an inside job to poison the un-trophied senior player. This would most likely due to the fact that conversations were overheard in the locker room saying “surely after 9 attempts he should be close to winning”. Ruth, sister of the oldest player, was fully responsible for the bacon sarnies that were consumed, the morning of the tournament. We’ll wait and see what the blood test returns.
Darryl, the winner of the inaugural Reader Cup trophy, has become the 3rd member of the clan to receive this prestigeous tropy 2 times. So we still only have 7 different winners over the 10 years the tournament has been running.
Ollie “Matrix Man” Parsley was struck down just after finishing the 18th hole due to heat stroke got the better of him, luckily he had already completed his mediocre round of 112. Many of the other players were playing to help their handicaps for the 2015 tournament. The committee may have to meet to see if this is breeching the rules and the spirit of the game set forth by decendants of the Read family. The players in question are David Parsley, Nigel Perfect and James Perfect. They may have to take a drugs test as part of the investigation.
Overall the mood was increcibly positive and all are looking forward to the next 10 years. We will of course be inviting members of the next generation from the Read Sport Academy into the tournament when they are ready to compete at the next level. There are several exciting propects, including much-awaited potential competition for the ladies trophy.
I think I have told you all, but just to confirm, we are at Wensum Valley on Friday. Tee times are 1.00pm to 1.24pm (four tees, so we`ll play three ball). I suggest we meet at say 12.15 as the time will fly by through to the first tee time.
We will once again be looking forward to hearing from Matrix (aka Oli) as to who has paid the most this year (or praised him highest for being the wonderful, lovely chap that he is, despite what everyone else apart from me says about him), to receive the most generous h/c. Thank you Oli for being such a good, reliable, affable, record keeper, and for all those harshly low h/c`s you have given me in the past, which I now realise were so very fair, your Grace. Indeed, in this our 10th anniversary, if I am to be blessed with another low h/c, because of a high pay-off or by a more grovelling bas*ard who has praised you even higher than me, then your Matrix, I will accept your better judgement with the sportsmanship of the great Louis Suarez. So much so, that I will not only admit it at the time, I will tell you before I bite your ear off in the car park.
So, clubs to the ready, tally ho, and let the final few days build-up to our marvellous occasion, that is the envy of many a family, commence.
Best wishes to you all, especially Oli of course.
Neil the `never won`
David Parsley, the disputed lead player in the Reading team, for the first time in his Twat Hat career scored an eagle. Unfortunately the rest of his performance was like a bad Tesco doughnut, most of it was plain dough, but at parts was very jammy.
Ollie “Matrix Man” Parsley is reaching the peak of his career, after a year out due to laziness, came through to defeat the rest of the players by a full 3 points.
Ruth Brown won in a shock result where the club house leader David Parsley had victory in his sights until it was dashed away when the contraversial handicap system was implemented to work out the scores.
There have been rumours that several rules were broken and the results should be null and void. The rules comittee will be meeting and an official ruling given. Several things will be discussed:
- Can a woman be allowed to beat men?
- Can the ladies champion take home the main Reader cup as well as the ladies trophy?
- Did Nigel “Cue Ball” Perfect make an error when ordering the chicken?
We expect a meeting to take place between now and the next Reader Cup in 2011 wherever it may be. We will wait to hear on the possibility of a fourth team for the Rest of the rest of the world.
Colin Hart a virtual novice defied the odds and a heavily biased handicap system to claim his first championship at Wensum Valley Golf Course in June 2009.
The newly developed handicap system from the 2009 season broke the perfect stanglehold on the trophy. This came as a great relief to the rest the clan.
Ruth Brown retained the Ladies Championship with a “faultless” performance. She has increased her world record to 5 grand slams in a row, can nobody beat this woman? We’ll take anyone as long as they agree to the contract with the “you must come second” clause. Please apply below.
The most senior member of the tour was not up to the required standard, greater things are expected in 2010 as he only has a couple of years until he is “demoted” to the senior tour.
Once again the cup has showed itself to be a high demanding championship with virtually none of the golfers up to the challenge. The pressure will be on again in 2010 when the cup returns to Wensum Valley, but this time on the PGA championship course.
This years Reader Cup was won my Nigel and his son James (the previous winner) was the runner up. This goes to show that this years cup was truly the Perfect Storm!
The tour arrived for the first time at the Wensum Valley Golf Club near Norwich. The par 72, 6223 yard course, new to almost every player produced an exciting days golf, Colly Hart made his first appearance in the cup and finished with a creditable 123 to outplay the ladies champion.
The Rev. Mike officiated and blessed the course prior to the start and acted as official cameraman and press officer for the day. He was also on stand by to perform an emergency christening if the first of the next generation made an appearance.
On presentation day, inclement weather forced the event to go indoors. The trophy was presented by Billo “Hinny” Hart at a ceremony in their Garvestone mansion, in a joint event to celebrate his birthday.
Nigel even kicked ass at Chinese pool, although he did wait until the pot of money was virtually over flowing before coming off the bench. A remarkable achievement from the former Norfolk snooker champion. He took all our money and won the cup!
In the first year of The Reader Cup™, Dick (the veteran) got off to an explosive start when his ball exploded due to the pure power that the oldest player possessed.
With James incessantly attempting to drive out of the rough, the tone was set for all following competitions in the years to come.
The inaugural event the first and only caddie appeared. Laura, daughter of founding member Jim, was guided round the course by the pole star and helped him to 10th place with an incredible score of 126, just 21 off the eventual winner.
Matthew 20:16 “So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.” Never were more honest words spoken about any other Reader Cup player than Ruth Brown in 2005. Last in the major competition but first in the ladies section.
But one man man shone above them all. The youngest son of the oldest player, Darryl “Numbnuts” Parsley raced to a convincing 4 shot victory and received the first Reader Cup trophy. The cup was presented by Peg “please stand up” Perfect in an emotional ceremony at ancestral home of the Norfolk Parsleys in Fakenham.
The Reader Cup™
This is the golf cup of all golf cups. Specifically for 3 teams from the UK and with limited golf skills!
These 3 teams compete for the largest prize in golf. The Reader Cup!
The cup was inaugurated in 2005 to commemorate the 7 members of the Read family from whom all current players are descended.
"I can't wait to get an invite. those Perfect guys need to be taken down a peg or two!" - Tiger Woods
"If I wore my crazy trousers and a stupid hat I would look a right twat!" - Ian Poulter
"They'll have to play well to beat 3 threes and a four on the tricky 12th at Swaffham." - Greg Norman
"The Ryder Cup is now under severe pressure from this prestigious competitions" - Nick Faldo, Ryder Cup Captain 2008